he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
