White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
