Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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