Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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