I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
