Sorry, I don't speak sober.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
