Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize