i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
