Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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