How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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