i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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