I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
