Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
