there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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