I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
