I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
