I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
