Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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