Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
