You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
