someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
