Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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