I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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