her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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