I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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