U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
