i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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