things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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