it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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