he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
