i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
