I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
