Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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