I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize