Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
