Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
