Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
