Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
