This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
