Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
