her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
