I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
