I'll bet she douches with gravy.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
