Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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