Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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