I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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