Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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