I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
