We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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