I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
