Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My vagina just clenched in fear
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
