so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
