So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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