It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
