fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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