Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So squirting runs in the family.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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