Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You took a bar mat shot.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
