mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
