Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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