Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
