remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
