Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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