god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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